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Young Writers Society



My Island- Induced Freedom

by Jasmine Hart


*I know the plot is weak, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

For the sake of three weeks, the island served as a haven, though I knew that I would most likely go out of my mind were I to reside there indefinitely. It was to be expected that I would run out of places to explore eventually; the island only had so much physical space to offer. But, in a way, it didn’t need the space. I knew I was romanticizing, as I so often do, but at the time, that didn’t matter. Once I’d gotten used to spending my days there, I slipped easily into the very breeze which crossed the land and sea so freely.

Of course, magic only appears when people are comfortable in their land and in their skin. I was surprised at how quickly the magic shed its rubber-soled shoes and cloak, and began spending time with me, showing me such wonders as I never could have hoped to see alone.

The sea was reminiscent of the Mediterranean, a bright turquoise, studded all over with evasive, miniscule diamonds. Before it lay a silken expanse of white sand, again sprinkled with silver.

There were vast green spaces, and fields for the cows which lowed placidly by the fences, and the sunsets were like nothing I can ever hope to see again, masterpieces of crimson, gold, pink, and palest blue. Just one glance at it and you felt like you’d been given the most precious gift you could receive, like a private viewing of a celebrated artist’s newest work, though even that couldn’t ignite the soul and cleanse it with liquid light as this sunset did.

As the time passed, my ear and my mind and my tongue began to relax to the language, until it was almost an effort to speak what I regrettably admitted was my first tongue. First in my mind, but not in my heart. It was my stay which turned the fondness into mad, passionate love, which ingrained me in it, and it in me.

But then, that’s not really so difficult. I know how easy it is to get tangled up on places and people. It was those three weeks more than anything which proved that to me.

There was a sort of freedom in the air. Every time I breathed in, I took in the culture and the pace of life. I could lie on cliffs, the cold rock against my wrists, and peer down at thick folds of white foam, lashing against the base, and be certain that I was in flight.

But, however glorious, freedom can have a damaging effect. It takes you a little bit out of your logical mind. You’re so convinced that the magic will see you through, so convinced that you’re somehow separated from reality, that it doesn’t even cross your mind to protect yourself against the fall.

Maybe it was the fact that I was surrounded by ocean, removed from sense. Maybe it was too much sea air. But, whatever it was, I allowed myself to be caught like so many fish. Ironic, when freedom was so nearly in my grasp.

At first I’d just pass him on the road. As we became familiar sights to each other, we’d offer a slight nod, or a flicker of a smile. But, one day, the cycle was broken. He must have allowed himself to sink into Distraction’s clutches, because he beamed broadly at me and said hello. His accent meant that I had to strain my ears to decipher his words. His voice was more musical than some of the others to whom I had spoken. The mechanics of language, over which I had slaved and agonised for weaks, were invisible inside his words.

Automatically, I smiled and returned his greeting, before carrying on, with a vague golden joy swarming around inside of me for a reason which I couldn’t quite name.

The smiles and greetings continued through the days, getting broader and longer respectively as time passed. He was starting to occupy more and more of the room in my mind, stretching out on the couch with his hands behind his head, moving my goals and my focus, so that he had more space to lounge around.. Of course, I attributed this to Fate rather than weakness, strangely peaceful as I was at the time.

One day, when our paths crossed (inevitable, given that the island only had one road), he held the conversation for longer than usual. As it petered out, he gave a lazy smile and asked me if I’d like to join him for dinner.

I was too free to think about it. I accepted, my shining eyes giving me away and making me intensely vulnerable.

It was beautiful, more relaxed than I would ever have thought possible. We munched companionably, and exchanged snippets of our life stories. I didn’t notice it at the time, but he was weaving himself into me, until I could have sworn blind that we shared a connection which lay a little beyond the realms of the definable.

I’ve always been somewhat cynical with regard to love. I’m not sure that romantic love exists at the best of times. It’s just used to make basic desire respectable. But, as we went bike riding together, and picnicked at Poll na bPeist, and watched the azure claws of the ocean drawing the tired sun to it, I felt a sort of bond developing. I’d tell him things I’d never told anyone, as best I could, given my lack of fluency. (He, of course, had perfect English, but I was determined to put my Irish into practice, and there seemed to be no better time, and no better person.)Somehow, my stories would just drip out of me. Strange for one who usually guards her secrets so well. He’d tell me things too, and make me feel special, though I never told him that.

I didn’t notice the irony of taking pleasure in a sinking sun. One morning, I arrived at our meeting place to find it deserted. I waited like a fool for hours, looking utterly ridiculous, as it is very difficult to pretend to be doing something other than waiting for someone when you’re standing beside a crumbling stone wall with only the cows for company.

Eventually, I turned around and began the slow walk back to my lodgings, hoping that I’d run into him on the way, though deep down I knew that he just wasn’t coming.

In the pub that evening, I overheard two old men talking, in Irish, of course, but I could make out snippets of what they were saying; “Gone back to the mainland, he is. You know him. Nothing can convince him to stay in any one place for longer than two minutes”.

And still I lay awake that night, obsessing over what I could have possibly done to make him leave without saying goodbye, while simultaneously loathing my pitiful state. It seemed that I hadn’t been as free as I’d thought.

Suddenly, the air was so much damper, the skies greyer, and the sea around me seemed to trap me as opposed to offering me sanctuary and freedom as it had before. The next day, I left for home on the first boat I could get, leaving what was left of both the magic and my spirits behind me.


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Mon Apr 28, 2008 9:49 pm
Emerson wrote a review...



Please pardon that it has taken me so long to finally get this critique to you. :)

For the sake of three weeks, [s]it[/s] the island (or my island) served as a haven, though I knew that I would most likely go out of my mind were I to reside there indefinitely. It was [s]only natural[/s] to be expected that I would run out of places to explore [s]eventually[/s]; the island only had so much physical space[Try to make this prettier. Instead of saying "physical space" find a quick line of imagery to use.] to offer. But, in a way, it didn’t need the space. In my [s]logical[/s] mind, I knew I was romanticizing, as I so often do (to my detriment, I might add), but at the time, that didn’t matter. Once I’d gotten used to spending my days there, I slipped easily into the very breeze which crossed the land and sea so freely.
I like the voice your setting up. Some words weren't necessary, and other lines didn't fit properly. For example, I cut "only natural" because in the following clause you also use the word "only" and it didn't work well. I think you could possibly break up the second to last sentence:

"In my mind, I knew I was romanticizing, as I so often do (And to my own detriment, I might add!). At the time, though, that didn't matter." Of course, I'm playing with the aside there, and that may not work what so ever. ^_~ It's up to you.

I was surprised at how quickly the magic shed its rubber-soled shoes and cloak, and [s]begun[/s] began (I think?) spending time with me, showing me such wonders as I never could have hoped to see alone.


There were vast green spaces, and fields for the cows which lowed placidly by the fences, and the sunsets were like nothing I can ever hope to see again, masterpieces of crimson, gold, pink, and palest blue. Just one glance at it and you felt like you’d been given the most precious gift you could receive, like a private viewing of a celebrated artist’s newest work, though even that couldn’t ignite the soul and cleanse it with liquid light as this sunset did.
Here, you have a chance to use the most beautiful imagery, and place your reader right into the heart of your story, and the island's mystery and beauty. I think you should describe more, and in more detail. Not just colors, or what the eyes can see. What is the weather like, and how does the wind feel on the speakers skin? What smells are there, and what do the foods taste like? How does the sand feel, if there is sand, or are there rocks? What noises does one hear while walking across this island? Is it silent, still, dead? Or brimming with life, like nowhere else? As you can tell, all of these imagery suggestions can hint to your reader the future of the island, and the narrator. It will give us a better idea of where he/she is, and also help us be there. I cannot dictate what you should add, but I hope I've encouraged you to add, add, add!

As the time passed, my ear and my mind and my tongue began to relax to the language, until it was almost an effort to speak what I regrettably admitted was my first tongue.
I do not particularly like this sentence. I adore, in fact, I deeply love the idea you are trying to create here, but I think you said it all too quickly, and with not enough beauty. I really do love the voice you are using in this story, and you should use it to your full advantage. You could easily spend a paragraph explaining how the speaker slowly forgot her language, and instead replaced it with the beautiful sounds of the island. But try to use vivid diction when you describe it, not as it is here. I think the phrase "relax to the language" is what got me the most; I wasn't entirely sure what you meant, and the phrase didn't feel right, if you understand what I mean.

There was a sort of freedom in the air [s]there[/s].
Did you notice you started the sentence and ended the sentence with the same word? :lol:

Every time you breathed in, you took in the culture and the pace of life. There you could lie on cliffs, the cold rock against your wrists, and peer down at thick folds of white foam, lashing against the base, and be certain that you were in flight.
I understand what you are trying to do. I used to do this, too! But try, ever so hard, to keep in the first person. And, of course, be more vivid! More sensory words!

But, however glorious, freedom can have a detrimental effect.
You used the word detrimental at the beginning of the piece. I know it is small, perhaps even insignificant, but I notice things like these and they bother me. Try to find a better word.

so convinced that you’re somehow separated from reality


But, whatever it was, I allowed myself to be caught like so many fish.
Extend the metaphor. I think you could find a much better phrase than "to be caught".

Ironic, when freedom was so nearly in my grasp.
I understand the irony, I'm just not sure I believe it. ^_~

because he beamed broadly at me, and said hello.
I do not think you need the comma here.

His voice was deep and husky
Was his voice also cliché and boring? Heh, you know what I mean. Choose more vivid words! or better yet, use a metaphor.

He was starting to occupy more and more room in my mind.
I love the idea of the room in your mind. Perhaps I am asking too much, but I would adore it if you extended this, perhaps talked about furniture just a bit, and how he was sitting in aforementioned room.

when we ran into each other
Try not to think me silly, but when I read this I can only imagine a punch line following, about how they crashed into each other because she was looking at the ground, or some such thing. I know very well it's just a slang term, but it still seems odd to me!

I accepted, my shining eyes giving me away [s]in a way[/s] and making me intensely vulnerable.


We munched companionably
That is one of the strangest phrases I've read ever.

It’s just used to make basic desire respectable.
I am not sure what this sentence is trying to say, or rather, what you are trying to say with this sentence.

watched the glowing orange orb slide into the turquoise sea, draped in gold and sparkles
Oh, yes, "cliché as it sounds!" Well, kick cliché to the curb, darling, and find more vivid imagery!

I waited like a fool for hours, looking utterly ridiculous, as it is very difficult to pretend to be doing something other than waiting for someone when you’re standing beside a crumbling stone wall with only the cows for company.
I love, love, love! this sentence.

and the sea around me seemed to trap me as opposed to offering me sanctuary and freedom.
and perhaps you should add, at the end of this sentence "as it once had" or "as it previously had".

First off I want to talk about the way events changes, and how this really confuses your reader (or, haha, me!). First of all you spend some time talking about the island. I'm left believing this is some exotic island, because you do not say otherwise. I, it seems, was completely wrong. When I came to this sentence, "At first I’d just pass him on the road." I had not expected it at all. It didn't seem to fit into what had previously been told to me. Perhaps it was because there was no mention of humans, and I had been led to believe it was an exotic island, like I mentioned earlier. This could be because I'm a foolish reader--or perhaps it should be assessed earlier? I think if you mentioned people, or at least what island this is, it would not have come as such a shock to me. Just the same, the mention of Irish seemed to come out of no where for me, and I didn't expect it whatsoever. Oh, I may very well be a foolish reader! Or I may not be. It's up to you to decide whether I've correctly read this or not, and to make the changes. I think you could do better to prepare your reader for such things. The beginning is so much exposition, perhaps try to turn it also into foreshadowing of what is to come. (Which might help what I have to mention next.)


The reason your plot falls so far from good, or a better word would be interesting, is because there is no conflict. Mind you, I was very interested and entertained, and I did want to read on, but that was because of the voice. I didn't much care about the man, and when it came down to it, I did not care about the speakers feelings for the man either. This could be strengthened, for sure. Characterize them both, and bring them more to life. Make us feel with your speaker, so when she is left alone, with this sudden change of emotion towards freedom (which I also think should be more clearly defined), we want to cry. Try to bring conflict into their meeting, somehow. I'm not sure how you could resolve this lack of conflict, because I don't know what kind of story you would like to make this into, but for it to be a story, a true story, it needs conflict. As I said, with foreshadowing, this may help you. If you mention earlier in the story something about, perhaps, the fact that the island now means less to her, or some such thing. I'm not sure; I couldn't really understand her change towards freedom. It felt too vaguely explained. I do see hints here and there of the mentioning of these changes before they happen, but I think you should make them stronger. That's really all I can think of.


I do hope this helped! And, really, do not get me wrong. :D Your voice was admirable, and just in that, you have not long to go before you are an amazing writer, if you aren't already. If you have any questions or need help with something I mentioned, feel free to pm me!




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Sun Apr 20, 2008 9:42 pm
JC wrote a review...



and the sea around me seemed to trap me


I would suggest taking out the repetition of the word me in this sentence. Though that was the only flaw I could find.

Characters:

There were relatively few characters in this, though it worked for the individual piece. I think, what would make them both stronger, and more relatable is to show some of the interaction. When you spoke of them, it seemed to me like a lot of description, and not a lot of things actually happened, which made the characters more abstract. In the end, I felt like they were fake, and though I felt for the situation she endured, I did not feel for her in herself.

Suggestions: Like I said before, show some of the interaction. You could also add some feelings, some of the flighty, lighthearted feeling attributed to 'summer love', or that wanting to meet somebody new and lose yourself in them, in the moment. Even little things like that could help take this story a long way.

Plot:

The plot in this story was one of those sweet short ones, which is good. I liked how you didn't draw out the unnecessary things, or add scenes that didn't mean anything. There weren't any plot holes I could find.

Suggestions: See Character Suggestions.

Overall Impressions:

I loved your writing style throughout. The imagery and use of words was absolutely beautiful, and seemed well thought out/executed. Overall, I think it was wonderful, and well deserving of a gold star =D

Keep up the good work,
-JC




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Sun Apr 20, 2008 5:17 pm
mizz-iceberg says...



I agree with Stella and Kit, I would love to get to know your male character better. Other than that this was an extremely beautiful story. I love your style and the whole story, over all flowed so well. Keep it up!




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Sun Apr 20, 2008 4:07 pm
Jasmine Hart says...



Thanks Stella. Yes, it's set on Inis Mor. That's a very good suggestion. I'll work on fleshing him out when I rewrite.




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Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:58 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



I loved this. I'm guessing it was set out on one of the Aran Islands, it's so well written I can taste it.

There is a plot here, and I like it. I just have one more suggestion, that would be to flesh "him" out. Make him appear wild and wonderful, impulsive, make us fall in love with him too. We don't really get a picture of him, that's what I think is missing.

Apart from that, I really enjoyed it! Your prose is gorgeous.




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Mon Apr 14, 2008 9:27 pm
Jasmine Hart says...



Thanks Rika, thanks Kit. Kit, I've made your little edits. No, Poll na bPeist (Powl nah Bahyst) wasn't a typo...I'd sent this to my folio and forgot that name was there...it's an Irish term, meaning "Worm Hole", but I don't think I'll change it, as it doesn't sound quite right to me in English. (This piece is set in the Gaeltacht.)Now that I'm thinking, maybe I want to change Poll na bPeist to a different place...thinking aloud...

Thanks a million for the tips on the plot. They're really great, and I'll definetly try working them in once I get round to the rewrite.




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Mon Apr 14, 2008 8:10 pm
RikaChan says...



I think its well written, i like your stlye!!




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Mon Apr 14, 2008 5:12 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



A few small suggestions first -

It was only natural that I would run out of places to explore eventually, [Maybe a semi colon here?] the island only had so much physical space to offer.

I was too free to think about it. I accepted, my shining eyes giving me away in a way which made me intensely vulnerable. [I think this second sentence could be phrased more smoothly. Maybe 'I accepted, my shining eyes expressing vulnerability.']

It’s just used to make basic desire respectable. But, as we went bike riding together, and picnicked at Poll na bPeist, [Guessing this is a typo?] and, cliché as it sounds, watched the glowing orange orb slide into the turquoise sea, draped in gold and sparkles, I felt a sort of bond developing.

_____________________________

This is beautifully poetic. The tone of the writing is superb and really helps to define your main character. However, I felt that the male character's personalities was lost behind her feelings for him. I think it would be clever if you showed hints of restlessness in him, if you gave the reader snippets of their dialogue that could give us an insight into this male persona.

Also, I'd like to see more character description and perhaps a name for the man. That would help your readers to connect to him a little more I think.

Where plot is concerned, I can understand why you might call it weak but if you slow down, concentrate on actually showing some of their conversations and time spent together, it will feel more like a narrative. At the moment, it's highly poetic and that's really great but for a piece of this length, the reader does hope to get to know the characters a little better and to be shown who they are rather than told.

Perhaps add a few hints as to why your character is on the island to start with too. At the end it says she went home and I get the feeling that she came here looking to escape but maybe have her tell the man from what. Maybe that is one of these deep secrets she shared with him. If you show the reader that, his betrayal will have a greater impact and we will be able to feel for your character.

Other than that, I shall have to apologise for my lack of suggestions. It is very well written and a lovely short story,

Heather xx





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