Please pardon that it has taken me so long to finally get this critique to you.
I like the voice your setting up. Some words weren't necessary, and other lines didn't fit properly. For example, I cut "only natural" because in the following clause you also use the word "only" and it didn't work well. I think you could possibly break up the second to last sentence:For the sake of three weeks, [s]it[/s] the island (or my island) served as a haven, though I knew that I would most likely go out of my mind were I to reside there indefinitely. It was [s]only natural[/s] to be expected that I would run out of places to explore [s]eventually[/s]; the island only had so much physical space[Try to make this prettier. Instead of saying "physical space" find a quick line of imagery to use.] to offer. But, in a way, it didn’t need the space. In my [s]logical[/s] mind, I knew I was romanticizing, as I so often do (to my detriment, I might add), but at the time, that didn’t matter. Once I’d gotten used to spending my days there, I slipped easily into the very breeze which crossed the land and sea so freely.
"In my mind, I knew I was romanticizing, as I so often do (And to my own detriment, I might add!). At the time, though, that didn't matter." Of course, I'm playing with the aside there, and that may not work what so ever. ^_~ It's up to you.
I was surprised at how quickly the magic shed its rubber-soled shoes and cloak, and [s]begun[/s] began (I think?) spending time with me, showing me such wonders as I never could have hoped to see alone.
Here, you have a chance to use the most beautiful imagery, and place your reader right into the heart of your story, and the island's mystery and beauty. I think you should describe more, and in more detail. Not just colors, or what the eyes can see. What is the weather like, and how does the wind feel on the speakers skin? What smells are there, and what do the foods taste like? How does the sand feel, if there is sand, or are there rocks? What noises does one hear while walking across this island? Is it silent, still, dead? Or brimming with life, like nowhere else? As you can tell, all of these imagery suggestions can hint to your reader the future of the island, and the narrator. It will give us a better idea of where he/she is, and also help us be there. I cannot dictate what you should add, but I hope I've encouraged you to add, add, add!There were vast green spaces, and fields for the cows which lowed placidly by the fences, and the sunsets were like nothing I can ever hope to see again, masterpieces of crimson, gold, pink, and palest blue. Just one glance at it and you felt like you’d been given the most precious gift you could receive, like a private viewing of a celebrated artist’s newest work, though even that couldn’t ignite the soul and cleanse it with liquid light as this sunset did.
I do not particularly like this sentence. I adore, in fact, I deeply love the idea you are trying to create here, but I think you said it all too quickly, and with not enough beauty. I really do love the voice you are using in this story, and you should use it to your full advantage. You could easily spend a paragraph explaining how the speaker slowly forgot her language, and instead replaced it with the beautiful sounds of the island. But try to use vivid diction when you describe it, not as it is here. I think the phrase "relax to the language" is what got me the most; I wasn't entirely sure what you meant, and the phrase didn't feel right, if you understand what I mean.As the time passed, my ear and my mind and my tongue began to relax to the language, until it was almost an effort to speak what I regrettably admitted was my first tongue.
Did you notice you started the sentence and ended the sentence with the same word?There was a sort of freedom in the air [s]there[/s].
I understand what you are trying to do. I used to do this, too! But try, ever so hard, to keep in the first person. And, of course, be more vivid! More sensory words!Every time you breathed in, you took in the culture and the pace of life. There you could lie on cliffs, the cold rock against your wrists, and peer down at thick folds of white foam, lashing against the base, and be certain that you were in flight.
You used the word detrimental at the beginning of the piece. I know it is small, perhaps even insignificant, but I notice things like these and they bother me. Try to find a better word.But, however glorious, freedom can have a detrimental effect.
so convinced that you’re somehow separated from reality
Extend the metaphor. I think you could find a much better phrase than "to be caught".But, whatever it was, I allowed myself to be caught like so many fish.
I understand the irony, I'm just not sure I believe it. ^_~Ironic, when freedom was so nearly in my grasp.
I do not think you need the comma here.because he beamed broadly at me, and said hello.
Was his voice also cliché and boring? Heh, you know what I mean. Choose more vivid words! or better yet, use a metaphor.His voice was deep and husky
I love the idea of the room in your mind. Perhaps I am asking too much, but I would adore it if you extended this, perhaps talked about furniture just a bit, and how he was sitting in aforementioned room.He was starting to occupy more and more room in my mind.
Try not to think me silly, but when I read this I can only imagine a punch line following, about how they crashed into each other because she was looking at the ground, or some such thing. I know very well it's just a slang term, but it still seems odd to me!when we ran into each other
I accepted, my shining eyes giving me away [s]in a way[/s] and making me intensely vulnerable.
That is one of the strangest phrases I've read ever.We munched companionably
I am not sure what this sentence is trying to say, or rather, what you are trying to say with this sentence.It’s just used to make basic desire respectable.
Oh, yes, "cliché as it sounds!" Well, kick cliché to the curb, darling, and find more vivid imagery!watched the glowing orange orb slide into the turquoise sea, draped in gold and sparkles
I love, love, love! this sentence.I waited like a fool for hours, looking utterly ridiculous, as it is very difficult to pretend to be doing something other than waiting for someone when you’re standing beside a crumbling stone wall with only the cows for company.
and perhaps you should add, at the end of this sentence "as it once had" or "as it previously had".and the sea around me seemed to trap me as opposed to offering me sanctuary and freedom.
First off I want to talk about the way events changes, and how this really confuses your reader (or, haha, me!). First of all you spend some time talking about the island. I'm left believing this is some exotic island, because you do not say otherwise. I, it seems, was completely wrong. When I came to this sentence, "At first I’d just pass him on the road." I had not expected it at all. It didn't seem to fit into what had previously been told to me. Perhaps it was because there was no mention of humans, and I had been led to believe it was an exotic island, like I mentioned earlier. This could be because I'm a foolish reader--or perhaps it should be assessed earlier? I think if you mentioned people, or at least what island this is, it would not have come as such a shock to me. Just the same, the mention of Irish seemed to come out of no where for me, and I didn't expect it whatsoever. Oh, I may very well be a foolish reader! Or I may not be. It's up to you to decide whether I've correctly read this or not, and to make the changes. I think you could do better to prepare your reader for such things. The beginning is so much exposition, perhaps try to turn it also into foreshadowing of what is to come. (Which might help what I have to mention next.)
The reason your plot falls so far from good, or a better word would be interesting, is because there is no conflict. Mind you, I was very interested and entertained, and I did want to read on, but that was because of the voice. I didn't much care about the man, and when it came down to it, I did not care about the speakers feelings for the man either. This could be strengthened, for sure. Characterize them both, and bring them more to life. Make us feel with your speaker, so when she is left alone, with this sudden change of emotion towards freedom (which I also think should be more clearly defined), we want to cry. Try to bring conflict into their meeting, somehow. I'm not sure how you could resolve this lack of conflict, because I don't know what kind of story you would like to make this into, but for it to be a story, a true story, it needs conflict. As I said, with foreshadowing, this may help you. If you mention earlier in the story something about, perhaps, the fact that the island now means less to her, or some such thing. I'm not sure; I couldn't really understand her change towards freedom. It felt too vaguely explained. I do see hints here and there of the mentioning of these changes before they happen, but I think you should make them stronger. That's really all I can think of.
I do hope this helped! And, really, do not get me wrong. Your voice was admirable, and just in that, you have not long to go before you are an amazing writer, if you aren't already. If you have any questions or need help with something I mentioned, feel free to pm me!
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